Reader, I'm going to list the things I don't want.
As in things I POSTIVELY don't want.
I don't want:
- To look like the woman at work (surely no older than somewhere in her 30s and possibly in her 20s) who is so overweight that she makes me in my current incarnation look thin. Yes, thin. I feel for her, and although she dresses in some really great colors and shows some flair and style, she has trouble walking. And she breathes hard because she is so overweight.
- To forever have to buy "plus" sizes. I really don't like this because lots of the really great clothes don't come in plus sizes. And some looks just don't work on the zaftig body I am currently sporting. And they cost more. And they say "plus sizes." I don't like that.
- To keep looking away from any mirror or window that shows my body. I mean, okay, I'm not Cindy Crawford (now or ever), but I am not comfortable in this body. It's not the me that I know. At all. The Weltha that I know is slender with all of these straight lines, and I am more than happy to sacrifice (sorry, Scott and all men readers) the enormous rack I currently have for the smaller one I have when I'm thin. In other words, I can give up big gazongas for a smaller butt. Trust me on this one...
- To worry about my health and whether or not I'm going to have to get a knee replacement or whatever. And staying heavy is the way to ensure that I will have to have something worked on. Or develop something weight-related such as diabetes.
- To have to get myself all psyched up to act as if I have normal self-confidence because I know how people look at overweight women. I should know...I've done it myself. I really hate the idea of eating in front of people sometimes because I don't like the mental game of "I wonder if they are watching me eat and thinking, 'No wonder you look like that.'" This doesn't happen often, but because I've done it to others, I wonder when it's being done to me.
- To have people think I'm big-boned. This sounds so petty, but in the last 2 months, two men whom I like and respect have referred to me as big-boned. And I'm not upset with them because I don't blame them at all. I am carrying so much extra weight that I look "big-boned." Years ago, my brother Bill said I was "big-boned like the _____ family [my father's family]"--and they weren't big-boned and neither was I...I was just overweight. I have small wrists, fairly small ankles (when they aren't looking like "cankles"--you know, that lovely term for not being able to tell where the calves leave off and the ankles begin...), small, very thin hands for my height of 5'10", and small, thin feet. I mean, my feet are wide like my Dad's family, but they are a size 7, as I remind everyone...and they are bony like my hands no matter how much I weigh. Yes, it bothers me because I feel like a .... freak. I don't feel like myself when I weigh this much. I don't look like myself to me. I've carried this stupid weight for so long that people see me this way--but this isn't who I am. I like my personality and abilities and intelligence and humor and blue eyes and high cheekbones but I don't like the fat. There, I said it.
So yes, this blog is about being healthy, but it's also about the being healthy that leads to my body being the way it is supposed to be. I didn't gain this weight eating too much meat at dinner or too many vegetables or an extra roll or 2 or even 5. It's the result of huge amounts of Coca-Cola, fast food including tater tots and french fries and pizza and fried foods, Oreos out the ying-yang, and enough chocolate to carve at least one of the figures on Mt. Rushmore. There, I said it. I can eat food that is not good for me like it is running in the opposite direction. I mean, I've demolished the big bag of Almond M&Ms over a period of 2 days. Yes, two days. I've eaten junk to comfort myself, to relieve my boredom, to assuage my sorrows, and to make up to me that I'm single and not dating anyone. And of course, being overweight has been my excuse not to try to meet men (oh, I meet men, all right...but none of them are...shall we say...available. I mean, I know one single straight guy who is really a good person but we just don't have "those" feelings for each other. He's my friend, and he's a jewel--but we're not each other's Sweet Babboo...)
I just felt like saying this and getting it out. This is how it is.
On the other hand, I am extremely energized about being healthy (and my health is increasing...periodically, I go through a mild detoxification...it's no fun, but I'm happy it's happening...) and being back to what is a normal weight for me. Again, I'm not trying to "get to some weight"--I know that if I eat correctly and I exercise (clears throat in embarrassment at this one...), my body will eventually get "there"--whereever "there" is. I do know this much...it isn't somewhere above or even near 200 lbs. That much, I do know.
Yes, I am looking forward to being my normal weight again. I'm going to get there.
Tomorrow, in addition to posting that I did INDEED EXERCISE (I'm throwing down the gauntlet to myself) and that I did INDEED MAKE THAT EGGPLANT SALAD, I am going to post what I do want, and what I'm looking forward to.
And the fact that I'm going to do this. I'm going to be the Weltha I was created to be.
Minus the big boobs... ;-)