The totally shame-free, actual-life, real-time blog where I tell all, show all--without nagging or whining (all right--maybe a little whining...)--in my attempt to stop being a fat middle-aged woman who avoids mirrors and clothing stores and start being a woman at home in her body...brought to you by a real woman, the Independent Weltha Herself. I won't give any advice, and I'm not asking for any--just companionship on my journey.

Every day...a new post. Every other real weight. Every pictures.

For every woman who has ever tried to just lose the extra weight and feel good...overall and about herself...and who lived to tell the story.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Day the 197th

O Reader, what a weekend!

My friend Pearl went to the hospital on Friday (and thankfully, came home later that day) - and it was NOT an easy day for her. So, I went to see her before I had coffee with Keith the English Prof. A very good time with Pearl, but if you're the prayin' sort, please pray for her recovery. She had a bad fall and then thanks to a heating pad, got some bad burns on her back. She's doing better, but all prayers gratefully acknowledged. And appreciated.

Had a great time with Keith the E P, but boy! Take two tired people and put them together over coffee and it was a yawn-fest at times. Not from boredom! He's interesting and I got to hear about his classes this semester - very promising they seem. This is good.

Saturday, Herself here slowed to a halt and did close to nothing. And ate...not much. FINALLY, I got myself in gear and made some stuff for Pearl (the lentil-beet-onion salad and a little salad of tomatoes and cukes with a simple balsamic vinaigrette. This is the easiest salad on earth, and it's so good) and finally got over to see her that evening.

Reader, I have been eating WAY too much mac-and-cheese. I mean, it's homemade and all, but I know it's waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much cheese in my system. Part of it is that it's a make-and-forget dish - you put it together, you slap it in the oven and 45 minutes later, you take it out, you let it cool, and you devour.

Part of it is the comfort food factor. I felt really lonely at my lovely new church yesterday - no one's 'fault' - the people are friendly and sweet, but it's a change. And that can be very hard. I boo-hooed a little on Sunday but part of that was that I had the Headache from The Bad Place and after church, my blood sugar was looooooooooooooooooooow and I really felt...shaky and emotional.

BUT, girlfriend here went to Old School Bagels, saw Scott the Bagelman, and had a lovely sandwich, some tea, and YES, a big ol' chocolate chip cookie that was so good I almost proposed. Really. Almost proposed.

And went home. And got in bed. And watched a movie. And slept some.

And by the evening, cleaned up just a little in the kitchen. Actually, I washed a big ol' bunch of dishes. And made...mac 'n' cheese but this time with some lovely poached chicken that had been poached in balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Very very good. And added some of it to the mac 'n' cheese. And am having some for lunch today. And the headache is GONE!

NO, I have not weighed myself. I am not excited about what it will say. Nonetheless, I am getting past my wah-wah-wah, and am doing much better.

And am having dinner at Hideaway Pizza (my favorite pizza place in the WHOLE WORLD because it's local and it's yummy) with a friend this evening. I'm really looking forward to it.

And got up this morning with a Happy Feeling. And came to work and found an invite from ANOTHER friend to get together for coffee this week or next.

And it's Springtime in my heart just for those reasons. Or, as Albert Camus said, "In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

Onwards and upwards and remember - a week from this Friday, I SHOULD have my laptop! And then it's Post-A-Rama for this blog!

Big love to you all.



Friday, January 20, 2012

Day the 196th

No, Reader, I did not weigh myself.

I find every night that when I go home, I tire out easily and just want to get in bed and watch a movie.

In the mornings, I don't want to get up. Sometimes, I don't want to go through the effort of the shower, etc. (I do. I just really don't want to.) I don't want to cook or even chop up some veg for a salad.

It's mild depression because I'm missing the friendship that ended. I will get over it. I'm on my medication. I just feel sad and missing my friend. This is normal. I don't mean to whine, whine, whine every day about this, and I won't. No, I don't think this friendship is fixable. Maybe waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down the road we can get together every once in a while. Maybe. Maybe not.

Enough of that. What did I eat last night? Well, I had some of the wonderful but not so good for me artichoke dip left and because I was staying late at work, I ate it here with some wheat things. Yes, I enjoyed it. A whole lot. And I think I had some peanuts. Not sure, but I think so. Yes, being a tad low affects my memory, too. Well, that's my story and I'm stickin' with it...

This morning, I ate a big peanut butter cookie. Why, you ask? Because someone had brought them to work and left them on the table where people put The Food. You probably have one at your workplace - a table where anything people bring to share is left. The cookie was good. I won't lie. I also had some peanuts because they are the least awful thing from The Machine.

Lunch, however, was a nice bowl of fresh veg (I love how the British and their kin say 'veg' - pronounced 'vedge') with balsamic vinaigrette that was so thick it looked like melted chocolate. Very good, too. I had cucumbers, lettuce, pickled radish, beets (!) and green beans. Very yummy.

Thank you for stickin' with me on this. I know not many people read this every day especially when I'm not posting it to Facebook. My few little readers mean a great deal to me. Thanks for stickin' with me despite my whiny-osity. I'll get over this temporary sadness. Meanwhile, I let myself feel it, and I try really hard to realize that it will lift. It will. And probably sooner once I just let myself feel it and realize that hey! It's there.

Tonight, I'm going for coffee with my good buddy Keith the English Prof and hoping this weekend to get together with Sofia the Former Student and Jen the Art Teacher. Good friends, all. That always helps.

And do a little cleaning, a little laundry AND...some cooking so I actually have food that I can eat. I know! WHAT a concept.

I am, however, very thankful for my 2 cats - Mimsey and Horatius, the Wonder Cats. They are endlessly a source of joy. And I'm so thankful for my BFF Poodle. What would I do with no Poodle in my life? We always say, "Hey, we don't have to think about that!" And we don't. And I am thinking of the very nice Scott the Bagelman, a good friend, and a friend of other nice friends. What a sweetie! And my friend Deb. And The Ringmaster. And so many other wonderful people. And my lovely apartment. And my therapist, Janis. And the parks nearby. And the museums. I may have to go to Woodward Park this weekend just because it's there and because it always lifts my spirits! In fact, this is a GREAT idea. And who knows? Maybe a dollar movie (it's lower money this week and next and just for the fun of it, I'm trying to see how very little I can spend BECAUSE if I can spend very little, that means I have more for next week!)

It's a beautiful day outside, and I am so thankful to be alive. We don't get everything in this life. There are some things we don't get. We fool ourselves to think we can have everything. But what we can have - and what we do have - is so very much. I remind myself of that.

And I am grateful. Very very grateful. I'm even grateful for friendships (including this one) that no longer exist for various reasons, but which were good at the time. And for all the moments of goodness and happiness in them.'s onwards and upwards and I'm going to have my laptop in JUST a few weeks!!! Now that is something I am really excited about.



Thursday, January 19, 2012

Day the 195th

Ah, gentle Reader, how off track I was yesterday...

Didn't even talk about what I was eating or whether I was exercising. Just wah, wah, wah, I miss my friend...

Today, we're back on track although I did forget to weigh myself this morning. Freud says there are no mistakes...okay, that's not what Freud says (or said...) but I love saying it...

Yesterday, I had salad bar for lunch - marinated mushrooms and edamame. It was...okay. Not great. I need to pack my lunch. I do.

Last night, I managed to make...artichoke dip (this stuff is NOT good for you but yet I manage to make it and eat it) and had it with some very good chips.

Breakfast this morning - and get ready to shudder - was WheatThins (not so bad) with...NUTELLA. I know. If you are not familiar with Nutella, it's a chocolate-hazelnut spread that is Big Doin's in all sorts of place and yes, it's very good and yummy. And bad for me.

Lunch today is more of the artie dip with some crackers (not-so-good crackers) and I think tonight is going to least some salad of some sort. I'm slowly getting back to normal. I need to cook. I need to exercise.

And that's about it. I'm stuck in eating things I really should not eat. I find myself too tired to do better (why? because I'm eating not-so-great - it's a vicious cycle.)

I'm going to do 2 things tonight: 1) scoop the cat boxes (they will be so appreciative) and 2) make salad and salad dressing. Okay, that's 3 things, but you know what I mean. Will report back tomorrow. Might even weigh self - and if I do...get won't be pretty...

I am going to get back to eating better and I'm going to start exercising. Any baby steps will do at this point. Any. At all. Period.



Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Day the 194th and NOT Weigh-In Wednesday

Yes, Reader, please let me alone on this one.

I know it was supposed to be a Weigh-In Wednesday. I know that.

But girlfriend here slept until 7:20 this morning and jumped out of bed, brushed teeth, washed face, leapt into clothing, fed cats like a whirlwind (Mimsey still isn't over it and is probably yelling her tiny head off...), and raced to work. Raced, I tell you. Raced.

Not my idea of the best way to start the day. I woke up around 3:15 and couldn't go back to sleep (this has stopped for the most part but on occasion...) so I watched the rest of a movie I had passed out during - We Were Soldiers with Mel Gibson. I don't know what you think of Mel, but my heart always goes out to him. He tries, I think, to be an observant Catholic and he also struggles with drinking and anger. I can relate (okay, not the drinking part, but you know what I mean.) I like Mel. I like most of - not all - his movies. In fact, Apocalypto is one of my favorites. And yes, I like We Were Soldiers. I like that it deals with both sides during Viet Nam - just as that 'advisory situation' was heating up in the mid-60s. Back when I first heard the name and wasn't quite sure where Viet Nam was or why we were there. It's not a great movie, but a good one.

Anyway, I watched the rest of the movie, trying not to notice that I was pretty much wide-awake for it. Then I watched most of the deleted scenes. Then, I went back to sleep at 5:45, figuring I'd sleep another 45 minutes to an hour at the most.

And woke up at 7:20. I may have to go back to setting an alarm, and that's something I have generally not had to do. I don't like alarms. They bother me. A whole lot.

So...weighing myself was not on the menu this morning. I'm surprised I got out the door with all my 'stuff.'

Last night, I got home late (thank you to having to work late because of Monday's FOREVER doctor appointment - and no blame to Dr. T or her fine workers) and just didn't feel like eating. What is UP with me?

I'm wondering if it's some sort of hidden stress. I'm missing a former friend (not dead. just absent from each other's lives. maybe permanently) and I wonder if it's this. I know it bothers me. I have had a few dreams about it.

It's hard having a friend you love to pieces but you get on each other's nerves and have trouble getting along at times or even being on the same page. We gave it 3 years, and now, no more. It hink we both tried really hard, and in the end, a hug said goodbye and that was that.

And it's time to move on. And I miss my friend. I doubt the friend is reading this, but if you are, it is you I am talking about. And even when I have been so angry with you I could spit, I still have loved you. I still do.

And I probably always will. And there's nothing either of us can do about it.



Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Day the 193rd

No, Reader, I did not post yesterday.

There is a reason for this. Well, there is always a reason for things. We exist in a world with causality. What I mean is that there is a reasonably good reason.

I was busy mas grande yesterday. And remember, no computer yet.

'Yet' would be the operative word.

Let's talk about yesterday's busy-ness.

I came to work. Remember, it was a Monday. Always hard to come to work on Monday because we have had two (count 'em, TWO) days where we can relax in the morning and not have to get up and feed those cats and take a shower and get ready and get self to work and at desk before 8 am.

And more than that, it was a Monday where I was going in the early afternoon to the doctor's to get my prescription for my Bipolar Meds updated so I could order (in a few weeks...) the said meds from the Nice People in Canada where it is ever so much cheaper.

Appointment was at 1:30. Left at 1. Got there late. Checked in at 1:37. This was the harbinger of things to come.

Long story but I got back to the office at...are you ready...4:15 pm. That's right. 4:15 pm. Why? Because 'they' were down 2 people at the doctor's office that day (probably at home with Terminal Scunge. Either that, or lolling about on the French Riviera and trying to sound all sorts of ill and pitiful when they called in...) and it was a Mad House.

And thank goodness I brought a novel to read.

However, in the midst of all this, there is good news. In addition to getting EXACTLY the prescription I wanted (100 doses + 3 refills), I received, not the 6 weeks of samples that I was just praying I would get, but 12 weeks of samples. That's 3 months, campers. Lots of free meds.

I will be able to order the meds the second week in February. I am all sorts of excited. What REALLY excites me is that I will be able to pay off my new laptop the first week of February and then it will be mine, all mine. And I can blog at home at night. Way too much fun. I can blog SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. And I will...

But last night, after eating...nothing that I feel like discussing and YES, I bought a jar of Nutella this weekend so sue me...I went to bed and turned out the light at 8:15 pm.

Why on earth...?

Because I was tired. The emotion of going to the doctor's, discussing my condition, discussing meds, etc. was a lot for me. And I went to bed at 8:15.

I NEVER do this, and yet, I have done this 2 times in the last 2 weeks. Once when I was getting sick, and now, when I am better, but still...

Tonight, by golly, I'm staying up later, cooking, doing laundry and heaven knows what else.

No, I haven't been eating all that great. And yes, tomorrow is one of our LOVELY Weigh-In Wednesdays.

The nice thing about eating is that you can change it. Fairly easily. It's not like changing being a jerk. I keep telling myself this.

I will start posting again with funny or poignant or witty or whatever stuff. But for today, just let me say that I did color my hair this weekend (and oh did it need it) and it's Tuesday and I have not washed it since Saturday so the color can sort of sink in. This is the part I, one of the things I will be doing tonight (after working later because of the 3 1/4 hours I missed yesterday...) is washing my hair. And drying it. And styling it. Because right now, it looks sorta...not great.

And I think I will be getting my hair cut that second week in February, too...

I know...this is SO disjointed. Will try to do better tomorrow!



Friday, January 13, 2012

Day the 192nd

Ah, Reader, there has been progress...

Before you get excited and think I've lost 20 pounds in 2 days, created multiple streams of high income, or solved that enigma known as "peace in the Mid-East", reel your expectations way back in...

No, I managed to:

  • Take the trash out last night (this is HUGE, people. HUGE.)

  • Scooped both cat boxes (one of my least favorite tasks, right up there with poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick...) and I would like to thank Mimsey for pooping on the floor when a perfectly clean cat box stood within 5 inches of her tiny butt...I found that very helpful.

  • Put some clean dishes away

  • Went to the grocery on the way home from work

  • Then went to Target to get this Tide Stain Removal Booster or whatever it is, and it had better work it's so expensive. Oh, and got 2 DVDs (on sale) of Tom Selleck as Jesse Stone. Ah Tom Selleck, you have improved like a fine wine. Age has been your friend...

  • Where was I? Oh, and I didn't eat anything because I got home and was rawther tired and I have a rule: if I'm too tired to eat, it's probably a good idea that I don't.

And that would be our progress. Granted, it's not much, but we do what we can. OH, and we made plans AND FOLLOWED THEM for our pay this week. Which means, I have been to the grocery store, am going to the doctor's for prescription and samples of My Meds on Monday afternoon, paid Rack B $$$ towards a very fine laptop he has reconditioned and is selling me (woo hoo!!! I am going to have a laptop!), put money aside for next month's rent, and set aside $$$ for next week because I didn't work a full week this week. Thanks to Terminal Scunge...

And yes, there is gas-tank money. And paid the car insurance. And ran errands at lunch ALL WITHIN AN HOUR.

And chatted with my insurance agent, Mitch (who is a former student...) about The Vision. Mitch is a Prince. I am proud of him. Very proud.

So what is The Vision?

God has a plan for me - things for me to do. Things that honor Him. Build His kingdom. And yes, give meaning and purpose to my life. Some call it The Call; I tend to call it The Vision.

St. Paul talked about that: "I was not disobedient to the heavenly vision." And yes, he had a literal one. But we each have a vision - a thing we 'see' ourselves doing, that we believe comes from God's heart.

And as I told Mitch: if you lose the Vision, nothing else you have left matters much. If you don't lose the Vision, you can suffer the loss of pretty much everything else and it doesn't matter.

Been there, done that. I had a friend once who asked how I managed to 'keep on' (and still look fabulous - or at least when I have my makeup on and my hair done...) despite the entertaining events of a few years ago.

Yes, I'm like Mama, and Grandma Daisy and Grandma Nelly and Aunt Helen - tough women all. Real survivors. I'm tough. But as Clint Eastwood said in Million Dollar Baby, "Girlie, tough ain't enough." I believe that.

Yes, I'm God's child and the beloved of Jesus Christ. Those things are true - and I've seen other beloved children fold under unbearable pain.

That which keeps me going and keeps me trying and doesn't allow me to give up is the Vision in me. That I will teach again - on a college or university level - and in so doing, change the world around me. That I will make a difference in the area of the sexual trafficking of women and children and make the world a better place.

I believe those 2 things. I believed them when I could hardly bear to get out of bed in the morning, when I wept morning to night, when the only food the cats and I had came from my church's food pantry, when I often didn't have 15 cents in my purse.

Like Joseph with the coat of many colors, I believed that one day, I would emerge from my prison and my slavery and I would rule. And in so doing, I would change the world.

I believe it still. No matter what happens, I hang on for dear life to the Vision. I believe it is from God. I believe it is my most precious possession. It is my Pearl of Great Price, and I would sell everything I have to obtain it.

In my darkest hours, I still saw the light. As Hank Williams said - and even when he apparently didn't believe it - "I saw the light - no more darkness, no more night...Praise the Lord. I saw the light."



Thursday, January 12, 2012

Day the 191st

Ah, Sports Fans, we have progress...

After I started to recover from what felt like Terminal Scunge, I realized, as I posted yesterday, that Chez Weltha looked like drug lords had tossed the joint looking for heaven-knows-what (and even Heaven might not have been sure, it looked so perfectly awful.)

Last night, I made small progress on my List From Yesterday:

  • Yes, Reader, I changed out the Other Cat Box (we have two because we have two cats, Mimsey and Horatius - the Wonder Cats)

  • I cleaned in the bathroom. I cannot say that I completely cleaned the bathroom because I did not, but the mirror, sink, toilette [I know, I know, but I hate the word toilet and know not why...] were all cleaned, the floor swept (because we keep the Two Cat Boxes in the bathroom...and there was litter...littered all over the floor), and the trashcan emptied. Left to do there includes cleaning the shower, scrubbing the floor (sooooooo looking forward to this one and hope you can hear the dripping sarcasm...), some basic organization, and washing towels and bathmats. Not to mention buying a new towel bar that I will be asking Friend and Neighbor Paula to install because she has a power drill (and I do not) and various mechanical skills (as before.)

  • I cleaned some in the kitchen. There are still dishes to do but not as many.

  • I got the trash together (but did not take it out. I should have but did not. Will tonight, and it will sit in the cold until the trash comes again on Monday because they came this morning but no, I was not ready and I'm not anguishing about it.)

  • Put Things Away in the kitchen. It looks marginally better, and for that, I am glad.

  • Cooked - yes, cooked - dinner with leftovers for today's lunch. All right, it was baked macaroni-and-cheese and no, not the highly low-cal version but at least I used rice pasta for some reason I am not sure. It tasted pretty great last night and heaven only knows how hungry I was...It should taste great for lunch today because...I can actually taste, and that is lovely.

  • This morning, made a wee salad of sliced tomatoes and cucumbers and brought my own balsamic vinaigrette to work (equal amounts of balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil, combined with a pressed clove of garlic and whatever herbs I feel like adding...not terribly difficult) to eat with the very naughty mac-and-cheese-yes-I've-been-sick-and-need-comfort-food, please do not scold. Thank you.

And went to bed early and watched the Swedish version of The Girl Who Played With Fire with the wonderful Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander and the delightful Michael Nyqvist as Mikael Blomqvist. I'm now finding myself thinking, "Okay, Mr. Wonderful could well be Anglo-Nordic, particularly English-Swedish and that would be lovely" and contemplating learning Swedish. This is not as far-fetched as you might guess because I have a Swedish friend. I mean, she's a US citizen and all, but she was born in Sverige and has taught me a few Swedish phrases and says, "YES, you could defo learn Swedish" or words to that effect.

One of the qualities this movie has that I love is that both Mikael Bomqvist and his co-worker (and parttime girlfriend) Erika Berger share is that they are portrayed by real middle-aged people who have less than perfect bodies and whose faces (and necks, OH let's not go there) look like they haven't been botoxed into Barbiedom...In fact, one of my favorite phrases is 'Botox Barbie' for that plastic-oid look that I am glad to be avoiding. And yes, I need to post new pics. Soon. It's just laziness on my part...Really. It is. I have them. Oh, and the fact that I don't think I look all that great and like my dad before me, I tend to have 'wonky eye' - one that sometimes doesn't look as open as the other even though there is nothing wrong with them. Not that there would be anything wrong with having an eye that was a wee bit different.

Really not much else to say today other than tonight, I think I am making White Bean Chicken Chili and also some little pizzas that I make with lovely cooked portobello mushrooms, carmelized (well, almost...) onions, and artichoke hearts. I'm making my first pizza crusts and will report on them. I have to cook them all tonight and THEN, can freeze and reheat. Very good they are. They would be BETTER if I could find soy cheese (if anyone in My Town knows where I can find Annie's Soy Shreds, please let me know. I think they are Annie's...Perhaps Whole Foods? Wal*Mart used to carry them, but no more...). Will report lovely little recipe, based 'sorta' on Pizza of the Gods from a certain pizza place here in, oh well, let's just say the name TULSA, OKLAHOMA and it's Hideaway Pizza. There, you have my info.

I quite honestly would ALSO like to make Julie's Coleslaw but we will have to see. And I might have to go by Garden Ridge on the way home because Christmas Stuff is 75% off. And there were a few things I thought, "cool. totally cool" that would be nice for next year...

Here's to being at the end of middle-age and looking forward (in 1-1/2 years) to the "Youth of Old Age."

And in my heart, I'm still 19...



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Day the 190th and Weigh-In Wednesday

Oh Reader, I did not lie.

Remember I said that I would post Monday thru Friday until I get my laptop?

No, no, I don't have my laptop yet.

I was sick on Monday and Tuesday with some sort of respiratory scunge [technical term] that is going around My Town. Even as I type, I am coughing and feeling sort of...less-than-my-sparkling-best. Thus, I did not post Monday or Tuesday. Doggone it. If I had had my laptop, I would have posted from home. I would have. Yes, I would have. Despite being sicker than the proverbial canine.

But I'm much better. And I weighed this morning, and guess what? My weight is back down. Okay, I haven't eaten all that great, (as in not at all...) but thanks to not eating at all yesterday, my weight is:


It will probably be back up after a meal or two but hey! It's back down to pre-Christmas overweight at this particular moment, and this feels so very good.

And it might be the beginning of eating better. There are 2 apples with me. Okay, I had a bag of peanuts but still...the apples are there, and I'm ever pleased with myself. Of course, there is a sandwich in the fridge for lunch, but I have hardly eaten over the last day...

Plans for the next many days now include:

  • Changing out the OTHER cat box. It's a humble plan, but a much-needed one...

  • Cleaning the bathroom. It needs it.

  • Taking out lots of trash from Christmas and before (and we include our tree in this...)

  • Cleaning the kitchen

  • Cooking so I have something decent to eat in the evenings and at work.

  • Laundry. We are approaching desperation here...

  • Sorting out drawers and the closet

  • Unpacking

And on, and on...

No great meditation for today because I think the Weight News is enough...



Friday, January 6, 2012

Day the 189th

Reader, how I long for this week to end...

I mean, this work week, of course. Working 40 hours in 4 days (I know...I'm whining...and I'm thankful for work - don't get the wrong idea...) for THREE WEEKS IN A ROW has been...a bit on the much side.

And today, I only will have to work 15 minutes late and then I will have my 40 hours...after working until 8 pm 3 days in a row.

Good, I have your sympathy now...

So...last night, I ate scrambled eggs complete with peppers and cheese and sour cream, washed down with iced tea. And then, read my latest amour, The Girl Who Played With Fire, the 2nd volume of Stieg Larsson's Millenium series, the first of which is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I've seldom enjoyed a heroine more than Lisbeth Salander. I like her toughness and her strength and her self-sufficiency. But what I do not like is how cut off she is from community, from other people. I don't remember who said it, but the saying, "No man lives to himself alone" rings in my mind. Poor Lisbeth is more isolated than imaginable, and this nearly spells her demise.

And yes, I think about my own life, and how important it is to have a community.

Speaking of which, thank you dear followers of this blog, and welcome to Deana, #37. It's a small following, and I cherish each of you.

Okay, enough of the mushiness...

Lunch today is sort of a pickup set of things from home - some bread, some peppers, some mushrooms and some artichoke hearts. Why? because that's what was there and heaven only knows that I was too tired to fix something for today...I absolutely HAVE to start exercising to have more energy. Plus, it's supposed to be really good for the brain...keeping my brain active and not allowing it to pressure, Weltha, just keep in mind that exercising slows the decline of age...mind, body, and spirit.

I was thinking of my father today - the Master Griller. Well, at least according to my mother. Both of my parents liked hamburgers and like so many of their generation, they liked their meat VERY WELL DONE. Which means that the hamburgers my father cooked on our grill resembed hockey pucks - shrunken, bulging in the middle, burned black on the outside, and grey on the inside. And dry. My brother George told me once that when Mom was alive, he would call and say, "I'm grilling hamburgers - want me to come get you?" And the answer was always yes, and when it was time to go home, he sent her with a package of highly over-cooked lumps of meat, and she was delighted.

But my father always made a ritual of the grill - loading the bottom with charcoal (he discussed charcoal with me - the best to use, etc.), dousing it with lighter fluid (and I loved the smell of the fluid), starting the fire. I remember the acrid smell of charcoal and lighter fluid and the heat. And then, the coals allowed to turn white, sprinkled with wet mesquite wood to flavor the smoke, and then the smell of the cooking meat, whether barbequed chicken, or steak, or hamburger, or even hotdogs for my birthday one year. I think we talked outside - it was an excuse for me to hang out with my father and spend time with him. He was easy to be around, always explaining everything he did - he was a teacher and all 3 of us have inherited this explaining trait - and letting us help when needed.

My father was a jewel - extremely intelligent, slightly diffident, shyly friendly with his children, authoratative on such diverse topics as the proper decoration of Christmas trees and the correct way to build a fire in the grill. I miss him - I miss watching him at the grill, fishing with him in the canoe, driving with him down to Linden for the 4th of July, hearing him sing "Home on the Range" and (my favorite) "The Road to Mandelay." I miss watching him in the evenings as he read his favorite Westerns and mystery novels. He was not a 'great' reader late in life - he read to amuse himself. I remember him turning up the volume on Wagner and the Ride of the Valkyries for us - and of course, for himself. Wood Family Theme Song.

He was a child of the Edwardian Era, and I still have pictures of him in his knickers and middy top, his hair carefully parted and combed, an expression of slight dismay at being called from his games for the photographer. He remains to me both mystery - as every parent is to each child - and someone whom I see when I look in the mirror, when I complain about rap music, when I read a book on a dark evening...



Thursday, January 5, 2012

Days the 187th and 188th and Weigh-In WEDNESDAY

Oh, Reader, could the word lazy be applied to me?

No, it could not. It's just that this is a 4-day work week and ol' contract employee me has to work 40 hours over 4 days or only be paid for 32 hours. And call me a ridiculous nut about money, but I sort of like to pay my bills and have some extra.

I know. Such a sybarite - such a devotee of luxury...

What this means in terms of the blog is that I was just too doggone tired yesterday to write my blog...

Or, if you subscribe to Freudian Theory/Ridiculous Conspiracy theories, then I didn't write yesterday because subconsciously, I did not want to reveal my weight.

Knocking that in the head, here we go. Weltha and Her Weight In All Its Glory:


I know. I KNOW. At one point, I was down to 218. Still not a great weight for a 5'10" woman who is fine-boned, but it was the best so far.

Brownies, egg-nog (only one small container but hey!), artichoke dip, candy, Coca-Cola, hamburgers, and generally Katie-Bar-The-Door, and here I am, up 12 pounds from Thanksgiving. It's sorta near what my blog-friend Deana O'Hara of Redemption's Heart has reported. I think we're twins. I do.

By the way, a little shout-out and advertisement for Deana's blog: it's over to the right and it's wonderful. It's not a 'religion blog' but Deana is without question a Christian who apparently is reading my mail these days...Anyway, check her out. She's dandy.

Another shout out goes to my therapist Janis the Therapist (see how I did that? I know, I'm impressed, too) who encouraged me much today about my change in churches - that I'm moving ahead, not running away, and that I take with me all my wonderful St. Jerome's memories and great homilies and wonderful services and dear friends and huge fun. And it's not like the friends are under some Ban Not To Hang With Weltha Just Because She Has Moved Herself To Trinity. I so like that...Janis, you're the bomb.

Last night, I got home around 8:30 pm - yes, you read that right - and was just fried mentally. Fed the cats and then tried to round up a little food for myself. So...we had scrambled eggs with mushrooms and pepper rings, accompanied by some added mozarella cheese, and then some popcorn. The popcorn gave me great joy. All washed down with the ubiquitous mint iced tea.

The night before, I had Brussel Sprouts cooked with Balsamic Vinegar. I dunno, it just sorta occurred to me to try it, and I have to say that the BV cut the bitterness of the sprouts. I'm a sucker for anything made of cabbage or anything cabbage-like (I love how Brussel Sprouts look like doll-sized cabbages...) and I just threw the BV in, and they were wonderful. Over Christmas, Poodle served some Brussel Sprouts that had been sorta oven roasted and yes, they were lovely. Roasting any vegetable makes it more luscious...I'm a fan of luscious...

Today, I got up late so no food to take to work and it's just the point in the pay cycle where $$$ needed to go to gas for the car (why? so we can get to work and earn more pay...) so...I had nothing to bring to work BUT a big ol' mason jar full of mint iced tea and some candy from my Christmas Package from Sue Ellen the Friend and Librarian in Virginia. Yes, so very good for me, but I said this: it's only a few weeks out of the year that I have to work 40 hours in 4 days and if my eating is lousy, sue me. I can get back on track soon. As in...this weekend. Time to cook, time to clean, time to go to a movie.

Now that I'm finished with 30 Days of Truth and Advent Meditations, I thought, "I need to add to this doggone blog with something interesting that reveals Weltha and her Mind Thoughts." I take that phrase from this deeply weird guy who used to dog me on MySpace and wanted to correspond with me because, and I quote, "I love your mind thoughts." As opposed to my Elbow Thoughts, apparently. Or, in the German, my Elenbogen Thoughts. I may have spelled it wrong but due to the fact that I do not actually speak German, I claim no harm, no foul on this one.

So, I comment on A Tale of Two Moms. Mine, and then the woman in the UK who gave her 7 year old daughter a voucher for future liposuction after having given her a voucher for breast implants on her birthday, and having taught her to pole-dance at age 6...

Reading things like this do not give me Hope for Mankind. Or Womankind. Or Motherkind...I think back to my mom who, when I was in 6th grade (and 11 years old) and begged her to get my ears pierced "like all the other girls," told me that if I still wanted to have my ears pierced when I was 16, she would take me to Dr. Patterson "and have it done right."

Which is precisely what happened. And I wear earrings in my pierced ears to this day...

Mom was determined that I would have a childhood, filled with innocence, in which to grow up, imagine, dream, plan, and generally find my own way, rather than being forced into early adulthood.

I bless my mom's memory for that. I was a kid for a long time. Very innocent. Extremely idealistic. Not naive - just innocent. So innocent that when a Senior boy in my Chemistry class (taken during my Junior year) really liked me, I didn't catch on. Thus, allowing him a whole year of longing and idolizing me, culminating in my very first date my Senior year with this boy who liked me so much. And thought I was wonderful. What a lovely thing to have happen. He's not in my life any more, but thanks to Mom, I had this very nice experience.

And unlike the girls who get their first 'boyfriend' in elementary school and have their first kiss at age 10 and lose their virginity at age 12 and heaven knows what else happens by the time they graduate high school, I was not really sure the origin of babies when I finished 6th grade...focusing on the cool books I was reading and the use of my imagination to make a little house of tiny little hand-made clay bricks fashioned by my own small hands...

I don't want to spend time dogging this mother in the UK. Instead, I just wanted to applaud my own mom - now gone from us for almost 8 years - and encourage other moms who might read this to let their daughters be kids as long as possible. I am so glad my mother never tried to push me into dating or having a boyfriend or getting married 'to make me a grandmother.' I may be single today, but I'm not divorced or miserable or in an abusive marriage or conned into thinking that my value lies only in what 'some man' thinks of me or wants from me. I have great men friends. I have wonderful women friends.

Thanks, Mom. I had a childhood filled with books, day-dreaming, going to the river and learning to swim and fish and paddle a canoe, touring the Ozarks, talking with adults, and dreaming of my future. I had time to develop depth instead of thinking that my life equaled whatever Johnny thought of me. Nothing wrong with the Johnnies of this world or even wondering what they thought. It's just that life is more than believing that my sole value in the world is my sexual appeal and my ability to attract men. Thank you, Mom, for letting me be a kid. I would not trade that for anything.



Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Day the 186th

Reader, I'm back.

It's a new year...and I'm back starting today, 5 days a week until I get my laptop and then it is every single day. As in EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Oh, is there much to tell.

I ate...junk out of the wazoo until I got on the scales the morning of New Year's and...gulped. Tomorrow is 2012's first Weigh-In-Wednesday, and be prepared: it isn't going to be pretty around Blog World Weltha. You heard it here first.

Changes...we've had changes...

The biggest is that I have changed churches - not for all those "I've had about enough of that hymnbook and the [Session, Board of Elders, Vestry, fill-in-the-blank]!" No, it's that the wonderful St. Jerome's is not large enough for me to find some of the kinds of involvement I have really wanted. And yes, I've waited a year from the first time I considered going elsewhere.

And why, pray tell, have I taken an entire year to make this decision?

Sentiment - I love the people, I love Bishop, I love the location, and I love St. Jerome's. I just didn't want to leave. Finally, I got it through my own head that I didn't have to 'leave people behind' - I could still see them - but I did need a larger church. Not everyone does, and I was surprised at myself. But it's a good decision, and I'm going to Trinity Episcopal, a great church.

I have friends there - Donna from a job I had some years back, Keith the English Prof, Bill the Presence, and there are more. The church building is breathtakingly beautiful, the Choir is wonderful (will I join? Not for the first 3 months...I need to catch my breath first), and the people are...simply lovely. So, I have all these great St. Jerome's friends and now, I will have these great Trinity friends.

Yes, I felt a little lost and lonely on Sunday, January 1 - even though I sat with people I already knew. Yes, it's a whole new world, and I'm leaving seeing people I know really well every Sunday and Wednesday. Yes, I'm going to have to carve out a place for myself and get to know people.

But it will be A Good Thing. I love the people of St. Jerome's, and I will be returning for events and activities. Made the decision Christmas Day and knew it was the right one. And yes, Poodle and Pearl cheered me on, knowing it wasn't easy.

Rather than post a List of Resolutions (that I can look back at in horror because I just didn't keep them), I'm going to try to post Change of the Month (and who knows? I would LOVE to post Change of the Week, but keep in mind, that's 52 changes. I would be deliriously happy with 12 changes that really took...)

And yes, I am going to update my pics. I will. Promise. I really, really will.

Meanwhile, Change of the Month for January, 2012.

Starting tomorrow (because I was off yesterday - whee! it was a holiday! - and because today started later than I wishes...), I am going to:

Do My MakeUp, Do My Hair, and Make My Bed Every Day.

This is huge, people. I work in a cube - I don't really 'need' to wear makeup or make an effort on my hair. Problem is, I just don't look put together without both of those items. And making my bed makes my whole evening better when I come home!

This week is a Work 40 Hours in Four Days week, and I'm giving myself a break from being The Perfect Eater. Not to mention the idea of getting home at 8:30 and trying to go Cold Turkey on Exercise makes me want to shudder.

I have a long way to go, people. A very long way.

Yikes, yikes, yikes.

Stay tuned for The Big Weight Shocker tomorrow, and for further Resolutions in the Life of Weltha.

Honestly, I'm tired of being on this bus and going nowhere - it's time to get my health better, my weight under control, my eating disciplined - and time to start moving forward.

To paraphrase 'Apocalypse Now' - I need to move forward with Extreme Prejudice.

Oh yeah...