The totally shame-free, actual-life, real-time blog where I tell all, show all--without nagging or whining (all right--maybe a little whining...)--in my attempt to stop being a fat middle-aged woman who avoids mirrors and clothing stores and start being a woman at home in her body...brought to you by a real woman, the Independent Weltha Herself. I won't give any advice, and I'm not asking for any--just companionship on my journey.

Every day...a new post. Every other real weight. Every pictures.

For every woman who has ever tried to just lose the extra weight and feel good...overall and about herself...and who lived to tell the story.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day the 147th (Mond. 4/4) - Day 19 of 30 Days Of Truth

Okay, so I'm once more--ONCE MORE--a day behind. Honestly, I was tired last night and did not feel like doing Day 10 of 30 Days of Truth. You'll see why in a minute...

I went out to eat at Pei Wei last night--had the usual steamed edamame and the Asian Chopped Chicken Salad (minus the wonton and plus extra cucumbers and lots of cilantro...). It was just a treat to myself--I was tired and on top of it, I just wanted that salad doggone it!

This morning...yes, a bagel (I almost typed "a beagle" but I'm not eating dog...) at Old School Bagel Cafe--the "Berry Confused" with lots of berries in it, accompanied by Honey Almond cream cheese. And yes, the wonderful Blackberry Jasmine Green Tea...I just read that White and Green tea have antioxidents in them (we knew that part) that rev up your metabolism. Ah...didn't know that part, and I totally love it. Or maybe they help you burn fat (okay, kinda the same thing...) We're heading into warmer weather and I have this wonderful iced tea I make from a Lipton Green Tea. Yes, Lipton. It's the Lipton Green Tea with Cranberry and Pomegranate--sweeten it with liquid Stevia and it is wunderbar...

Yesterday was sort of a hard day--I felt like a failure. I struggle with this when the least little thing goes wrong. Fafnir would NOT get into his carrier and he growled and hissed at me (I know he was scared) and I felt like a failure and the tapes started runnin'..."If you were a better person, you would have had him neutered when he was really little and never mind the $$$ because if you were a better person, you would have all the money you need..." "If you were a better person, you wouldn't be doing temporary work and you would be already teaching and probably have your doctorate...but you're not a better person..."

Shut up, I say to the tapes. Enough. Do you have to tell the tapes to shut up? I sure do--and yesterday, I wasn't doin' such a great job. And my friend Woodstock--oops, I mean Mischa, which is his better name (he is Mischa, my Polish prince...okay, he's not Polish that we know of, but we enjoy the idea that he is Polish nobility...) called me about something and I realized that if I were a big failure, I would NOT have him or Poodle or Debbie or Grammy Jean as my friends--or Dawn or...well, all of you who follow this blog and many more besides. It's okay...Fafnir will eventually get neutered and it will be OVER and DONE with. Besides, he's an indoor cat and he's not making more kitties...

And yes, today's lunch is Work Salad Bar...and it's great as always. I never get tired of the GOOD coleslaw!

And now...on to Day 19 of 30 Days Of Truth!

And the prompt is...

What Are Your Three Least Favorite Moments In Life?

How hard this is to write because I can't--won't--go into detail because they are really awful and more than just "least favorite."

Two of them have to do with being let go from jobs when I was younger. One of them had to do with something I did that violated company policy (in a big, major way...and I agree with what happened as a result--and yes, this is EONS ago) and having to face the man who made the decision about it. It wasn't facing him--he was so kind and wonderful (Mark T, you know who you are...although you are not reading this)--but dealing with the aftermath...and it took years to get past it all.

The second of those two had to do with not being invited back to teach somewhere because I had had a rotten semester. It was so humiliating and painful and felt like the end of my dreams. It wasn't, but it felt like it. It has taken me years to get past it. I have struggles with getting past the mistakes, errors and sins of my past. I wish I didn't, but I do. I work on this all the time--to believe that God can change me and turn my life around. I tend to beat myself for years at a time...

The third is easier--because it happened the longest time in the past. I was engaged about 3 bazillion years ago, and my fiance broke up with me "because I don't love you any more." And just like when I didn't get the scholarship to go to the Junior College near by, this was a good thing even though it hurt. This man and I would never have had a happy marriage, and I can definitely see a divorce as the most likely possibility. We were just not right for each other. He did marry another woman (met AND married her within 5 months after breaking up with me...yes, you read that right...) and sorry to say, he went through a very difficult and prolonged bad time in that marriage although I believe they are still together and I hope are doing well. I mean, I don't wish him ill. But I am so so so glad I did not marry him. It was really awful at the time, but good things came from it.

Good things came from the first time I lost my job (the second was a different issue; more of a "not invited back" sort of thing). I mean it; good things came out of it. And good things are coming from the "not invited back" thing because, honey, the opera ain't over 'cause the fat lady ain't sung yet...

I really try not to preach on my blog, but doggone it, I am a Christian, and I'll tell you right now that with God, it isn't over. Yes, we reap what we sow (or don't sow...) and yes, there are consequences in life. There are. I do not believe that the Lord Jesus is my permanent get-out-of-jail card in the sense of my living just any ol' way and not bearing any responsibility or consequence. I do not believe that at all.

But I believe with all my heart that God is the God of the second chance...and third...and whatever we need. He's not just the God of the "do over"--He (She--I think God is BOTH and probably more than just the 2 genders I know) is the God of the "START over"--the new beginning. I believe this. It gives me hope--and has given me hope in my very darkest hours. I have known the dark days, and I know that for me--as I seek God and allow His work in my life--that my greatest days lie ahead.

I need to write that. My "least favorite moments" defo top many people's--and are much less than those of others. But God has and continues to transform my sorrows and mistakes. He is that big--if I come to Him and acknowledge that one more time, I've messed up.

No, I've never committed murder or homicide or stolen or sold (or taken) drugs or fill in the blank, but I've messed up plenty of times. They have been painful times--they are without question my least favorite moments.

And out of them has come and will continue to come the great days of my life--why? because I've already seen it happen.

and there you have it. Thank GOODNESS, the blog prompt for TODAY is one I totally love but I'm tellin' out because you'll get it again from me...



1 comment:

  1. I heard on an episode of Oprah once. Apparently in a time when I wasn't working, because, honestly, who has time for Oprah? But anyHOW...a guest speaker said something to the effect of "it took everything that ever happened to you to make you the person you are today." I have to believe that. The choices that we make and the things that happen that are outside of our control, make us who we are. And as long as I keep working to make the current "me" a better "me," then it is a good thing. EVERY thing is a good thing. Know what I mean?


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