- People who talk or whisper and distract me. Unfortunately, I'm kinda tightly wired if you know what I mean, and I distract easily.
- People who make noise with their food or--and I truly love this--spill it.
- People who bring children who should not--for any reason--be in that movie, whether the child is just too little or not ready to sit still and watch or better yet, the film is an ADULT FILM and here is this child. Once a mother brought her little child to Pan's Labyrinth. This is an adult film with a child protagonist. It is not a children's film. And mom spent the whole time trying to explain the film to a clearly upset child.
- People who walk past me 10 times--that is, who walk over me trying to get somewhere else. I say, if you want to be somewhere else, go there and stay there.
- People who kick the back of my seat repeatedly until I cannot concentrate on the film.
- People who laugh like buffoons at things that are not funny. Americans have a terrible tendency to do this. If one thing is remotely funny, then every moment of pathos is treated as "Reason to Laugh" excuse me, that's "Reason to Laff." It's mildly annoying at documentaries, but when there is something poignant or sad, it's...maddening. I remember the group of teenagers who laughed at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan when medics feverishly worked to stabilize a wounded soldier on the beach of Normandy on D-Day under withering German fire, damn it (yes, I swore but that's how this stuff affects me) only for the soldier to be shot in the head through his helmet and killed. And these kids laughed. Until I turned around and gave them The Look. Former students know what I'm talking about...it's not just "a look"--it's an implicit threat that I'm about to say something they are not going to want to hear...
- People who repeat dialog as if there is a reason to do that--hey! the rest of us have ears. Honestly, we do.
- People who narrate what's happening on screen: "He got in the car!" Really, Sherlock?
- People who "wonder" out loud: "I wonder what he's gonna do..." or better yet, play Local Psychic, "He's gonna go up those stairs and The Monster is gonna get him." Thank you. I no longer need to watch the movie.
- People who do not realize that a movie theater is really a Temple of Cinema and don't make me go all Incarnational Aesthetics on you...
- People who have to play Local Film Critic during the film. Listen, buddy, if you're trying to impress the little Tootsie you brought as your date, wait until you're out of here and away from us--or someone (like me) might turn around and tell her that you're a moron and you don't know what you're talking about. At all. As in...At. All.
- Any use whatsoever (for any reason except being called away to perform emergency brain surgery) of a cell phone to either talk or text. Flogging is too good for these people. It causes me to despair for mankind, it really does.
Now I have worn me out, but as far as general irritation, there you have it. I am deeply irritated at these things. Deeply, deeply irritated. This is why I take a friend to a movie whenever I can--to soak up the extra psychic energy of these people so I don't find myself incarcerated for 30 to life for homicide at the cinema...
Of course, I would think it's justifiable so there you have it...