Day the 130th--Day 2 of 30 Days of Truth

Welcome back to Rancho Weltha, to endless convo on coleslaw and cashew butter, and right now, to 30 Days of Truth.

By the way, our receptionist, Judy, complimented me yesterday and said, "Hey, you're lookin' good." She sees me every single day, so her comment means a lot--I must be losin' weight. (I must...I must...repeat 200 times...)

Scales tonight or tomorrow...Weigh-In Wednesday THIS Wednesday, 3/23/11. Be there. Aloha...

Yes, I had a sort of celebratory bagel this morning--I put together a bookshelf last night for the kitchen--to hold my cookbooks and some kitchen items not easily put in cabinets, etc. So very proud of myself, and my late and great father would have been, too. Yes, I can READ and FOLLOW the directions! Anyhoodle, I had a real bagel sandwich at Old School - the Wall Street which is a lovely little turkey sandwich with good stuff inside on an everything bagel. I felt I needed the protein, so there...

And lunch is...coleslaw and some pasta (yes, I said it...I said it...) salad. Last night and tonight are gonna be yogurt +. You know, plus all the normal stuff I put in it...

I was worried about something...nothing big...and now I'm not. And it's Friday. And a lovely weekend ahead with nice weather. People, what's not to love about that???

Today is Day 2 of 30 Days of Truth and here is the prompt:

Something you have to forgive yourself or someone else for.

This is always sorta interesting because I try to "be current" with forgiveness. I'm sure there are areas I need to forgive people for, but I think most of the big stuff is taken care of. I try, at least. I really do.

But as for myself, I work on forgiving myself for unkind, stupid, or wrong things I have done and said in the past due to the pressures of being bipolar. I don't think that being bipolar is my "get out of jail free" card. Not at all (and my therapist and my best friend both agree that I don't do this--that I'm not lookin' for some excuse to break bad...and get away with it...)

But bipolar people have struggles...all kinds of struggles...and when meds are wrong or not working properly, we can spiral down. I have done this. In fact, I had a 3 1/2-year bad period (yes, three and a half years...) that started November 4, 2006. I had a seizure. In public.

That's not really the bad part. Trying to find out what caused it (and we never did find out) revealed an aneurysm on my right carotid artery behind my right eye. And it had to be fixed. But it could wait a while. It waited about 5 months.

And thus began years of difficulty. Oh, the surgery (the "less-invasive" coiling technique) went just fine...but the emotional fall-out, combined with bipolarity and the economy...and honestly, it was more like 4 years. And during that time, I did and said unkind, stupid, and wrong things. I'll leave it to your imagination--no, I didn't commit murder or vehicular homicide or adultery or sell or take drugs or get drunk...but there was enough of difficulty, sorrow, pain, disappointment, failure, and just general unhappiness and inability to do better in my life to last...several lifetimes.

And it ended this last November. Much of the "end" came when I chose to eat differently. Now do you see why I write this blog that sometimes I feel like no one reads? I need to write it. I need to keep eating right.

And I have to forgive myself--or rather, believe God's forgiveness for me and stop beating myself up over and over--for so much. By the way, here's a shout-out to Janis, my therapist, who never gave up on me and always believed in me. And several other people believed in me, too--Debbie from California and Mr. Debbie, Jean, Bill the English Prof, Keith the English Prof, and a host of others, including Poodle and Woodstock who remained--or became--my friends during what is without question Weltha's Darkest Hours. OH, if you only knew what those 4 years entailed. I can honestly say after 3 1/2 years, it was much, much better. And at the 4 year mark, it was...much better. The darkest time has passed. And I continue to refuse to scourge myself over the past. That's what I have to "forgive myself" for...

These first two have been fairly painful to write. I think it gets better fairly soon. Thank goodness.

If you've read this, you're faithful to be part of this blog...thank you.

Independently,

Weltha